Canned fruit and pretty perfume

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a TV show. Not in the people are staring sense but in many others. There are new episodes and seasons. Often there are guest stars and every once in a while there are running characters. It is silly is it not that one could think that? Or maybe we all think that every once in a while.

Here I am only 25 years old doing things that people do not even dream about. How lucky am I. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of November sweeps and the writers are not holding anything back at all. Maybe they are trying to positron me for an Emmy or a golden globe or maybe they are looking at establishing a long running show. Either way it is one heck of a ride.

Okay enough of the metaphors for now. I am at the point in my life and school where I have to seriously evaluate what comes next. It is all anyone talks about and it seems that it is all that I can think about. (It does not help that I have been stuck in bed for the last 2.5 weeks with my leg in a cast alone) It is time though for some honest reflection and maybe a few ideas.

Two years ago my path was set and I knew exactly what I was going to do and how I was going to get there. It was simple and clear. I have to confess that the only thing that remains of that girl is her name. Many of my dreams are still similar but in reality one day someone came into my life, turned on the lights to the world and said it is all out there what part of it do you want? How do you react to that. Well I did the typical Katie thing and totally ignored it for as long as I possibly could. Yet it was always there these opportunities and options and I never took the time to look at them carefully.

Now it seems that I have nothing else to do but to look at them. And I have to make some kind of decision. When I was in High School I desperately wanted to write. I wrote on anything about all sorts of things. In the 10th grade I had an English teacher that was wonderful. After class one day we were talking about writers in my grade and she said that there were two who were utterly capable of writing and had a future in it. She went on to tell me that it was not me. I stopped writing on napkins and in spirals and looked for another dream. Down the road I found history. I do not think that I have ever been really in love but i imagine that it feels something like i feel for history. To learn about other people and their choices and how they changed and impacted things gives me a rush i cant explain. The only thing more exciting than that is to be able to help someone else get as excited about it as I can be. To literally see passion and curiosity wake up in a person is amazing. I can only compare it to my high school days as a mascot. One year I had a football father come up to me and get teary. He told me that I made the games worth coming to. I think that moment was the closest to self pride that I have ever been.

Let me get back on track here. I have to come up with a plan, a goal, something to move towards. So I am going to lay out here the options that I see laying before me and some of the input that I have received from family and friends. Feel free to tell me what you think. I know that most of you will not and that is all right too. I bet you are asking yourself why I am writing about all of these things on a blog that my family and friends and even some of my teachers read. I do not have a specific answer. I kept other blogs that held many chapters of my life but I really am kind of over being several different people for everyone. Trick is i really am only one person and that is all ill ever be. You can take me or leave me and do not worry while you can hurt me by leaving you cannot break me. People are good at leaving in part i think its in our genetic makeup, whether it be by choice or not. I will be all right heck I will be better than all right and whatever path i end up on whether it be one i thought of or from a window I have not even seen yet i will be great.

I have a cousin who says that our family is really good at making people above average and under extraordinary. I used to think that he was right but really he is full of crap. We all build a safety net and this was ours...our genetics. Well here are my options throwing out genetics.

1. Finish my masters degree and go on to get my Phd (hopefully at UConn). I would be only the second in my family ever. I could then get a job as a professor and spend my life in academia teaching and researching about the lives and times of people throughout history. I think that this is the option that most people want me to choose. It is safe and is totally capable of keeping me comfortable and content. Maybe someday I could even publish my dissertation.

2. I could finish my masters degree and apply for the Peace Corps. I love to travel and with my background in education, childcare, and AIDS i would be an ideal candidate. I could go to some amazing place and touch the lives of people who have so little. If I could teach one child or prevent one woman from contracting AIDS i would have succeeded more than i ever though possible. This is a difficult option for many reasons. The connections that I have in this world would undoubtedly move on just as they have since I have been here in France. They get married, have babies, and they even die. Most of the people close to me are very against me going away for at least 2 years again. When do you decide where the line between you and them is?

3. I could finish my masters degree and move to Florida. I could live in my house and maybe become a high school teacher or teach at a community college. I would have a relatively easy life. Plenty of time to travel and do new things. But it would be a ceiling a final step, a place that I go to not go any further. Maybe someday someone would come into my life and we could be content there. This is another option that people are fans of.

4. I could finish my time here in France and go back to tech. I could not only finish my masters in History but attain a second in English, perhaps creative writing. Then I could see where the next step took me.

5. I could stay here in Europe forever. I could travel and write and maybe if I stayed somewhere long enough i could start painting again (did you even know i used to paint?). I could lead a terribly fantastical life fraught with adventure and surprise. The next step would always be an anomaly. I have not met anyone yet other than me that thinks this is even remotely a good choice. But something about it entices me.

6. I could finish my masters degree and look for a job in the "real world" Maybe with the government or something. Become a white collar American. Another safe choice albeit a bit rigid. Family really likes this idea ALOT.

So these are just a few of my options that i never really knew I had. I think that you would be overwhelmed too. I feel better putting them out there for the world to see.

On a different note my ankle is doing well...i think..its in this horribly uncomfortable cast that makes it hard to walk. And the stitches feel super weird all the way down there. Cast comes off Sept 7 and then I have some intense physical therapy. Who would have though that i came all the way to France to have my ankle reconstructed.


Be Well,
k8e