So I have not taken the time to write on here for quite a while. I have to pass a bit of curiosity because there was a comment about how I used to steal lunches. I am quite curious to know who that was. But alas that is probably just one of life’s many mysteries.
A lot has happened in the last few months. Many of them good and some not so much. I went to the states for a few weeks this summer and realized just how much Europe has become my home. The thought of having to move back there someday gives me well pretty much anxiety attacks. What scares me the most is that it truly may not be possible for me to stay here. I have to find a job that is willing to help sponsor my move to France and let’s just say those are not easy to come by. So if any of you have any ideas or leads please help me out.
On top of that it brings to light my insecurities about my own skills set. I am good at many things but am I truly great at anything? Have you ever had to sit down and think of a skill that a country needs so much they want to keep you? Not so great for the confidence mojo. If only I were some fancy surgeon or great philosopher.
Nonetheless with Thanksgiving approaching it is a time for me to reflect. I have not been able to celebrate this holiday which happens to be my favorite in several years and it is still weird without it. I am however able to think about all the wonderful things that I have found in my life.
I have made a handful of friends, most of them by accident, that I am truly uncertain what I did to deserve these people in my life. I have had lovers whom have taught me things I never knew about myself and what I look for in people. I learned through one that it can be important to invest your feelings and while things may have not worked out at least I know that my heart is not completely frozen solid and someday when the time and the man are right things will be good. This was a very important lesson for me after well after having my heart broken once and my body another time. Do not worry I do not want your pity. We have all been through these things in some regard so really my life is no different from yours.
This year I learned that while I may not be the average bear there is something about me that people are drawn to, now if that is a good thing or not I will leave that for you to decide. I can make people laugh and like Isaac said all those years ago my biggest challenge in life is that when I really want to I can actually see people for who they really are. Maybe that is my big skill, not terrible marketable though. But I have learned through my time in France to use it and to embrace it as my own. Be certain it bothers many people but at the same time those who respect it are the ones I want to be involved with in the first place. I can not help sometimes wishing just like Frederick Douglas all those years ago that I simply did not know.
Another thing that I have learned is that history may not be for me. Do not get me wrong I love it. But it just does not make my blood boil and I want that in life. I did believe that by now (just a week before I turn 27) I would have already figured out what that is. Do you think that maybe it is because I have always searched it out? Maybe if I stop looking it will find me? I have great opportunities that come along every once in a while but the decision to stick with them is difficult. I am not a very good finisher.
I have also learned that sometimes the worst mistakes that a person can make (asides from breaking the law) are often the best. I have made some less than ideal choices lately and well I cannot say that I would change a single one of them. I met a kind man who taught me much and men not so kind who taught me even more. I could tell you some stories that would make your head spin or piss your pants laughing but this is not really the place for that.
Mostly though it is the friends in my life who have changed me so much. As a teenager I knew exactly who I was and because of a heartbreak that took me many years to get over I completely lost sight of that. My friends today wherever in the world they may be have brought me back to that girl who dances in the waterfalls with children and has absolutely no verbal filter whatsoever. They have taught me to be the honest person I once was. And for that I truly owe them my being. They do not really make a greeting card that says all that. But really for those of you that read this please take a few minutes to think about the people who have changed your life for the better whether it be the homeless man who says hello on the bridge every morning, the person whose name you don’t know who always raises his pint with a nod to you, or the friend who knows what you need before even you do and without ever saying or expecting anything is your strength when even they may not believe they have it for themselves.
I want to challenge you to find a way in your own manner to show them that they matter. Buy them a pint drop them a card or simply look them in the eyes and say thank you. This is my thanksgiving and birthday wish this year. For you to realize just how many wonderful people there are in your life. They may need to hear it.
I will go ahead and post this on my blog and my facebook so if it rs feeds twice I’m sorry about that.
To my sagi crew from the last 18 months thank you for everything the drunken nights, the tears, the travels and all the smiles.
To my friends still in the states. Thank you for not going away and always truly being just a phone call away.
To my family I know that the hardest thing you ever had to do was let me go. It was hard for me as well and thank you because I finally know how to breathe.
To Mary thank you for your helping transitioning to a really life here. I will always be grateful to you.
To Marion thank you well there are not words you are not a friend you are my family and without you I would often be lost.
To Erie Alice and Annemarie thanks you for the laughs the looks of shock and the excitement that you may someday be a character in my sure to be unsuccessful book.
To the Johnny Kitchen/Walsh friends thank you for the raised pints and nods and no longer arguing about that extra 50centimes.
To all my Pint/Cofee/Tea buddies the gossip just wouldn’t be the same without you J
To L and J I perhaps owe the most thanks to the two of you because you while neither of you may know it somehow managed to dig out the ice and find not only my heart but pieces of my soul. I wish you the best in the paths that you chose and while I know ours may not cross know you left your mark on mine.
To N,V,M,M, E,B,D,S,R you each have something special to offer. Fight to find that person and make them the happiest ever and if you maybe already have show them.
To those I cannot mention you all know who you are. Just a simple thank you in this time and place.
How many people are there for you to thank? Prolly quite a few more than you thought. And there simply aren’t enough words but try.
18 November 2008
22 May 2008
Peaceful nights
I feel like such a rotten kiddo for never updating this blog. I am sure that on a subconscious level I have many reasons but I will for the most part just claim laziness. It is so hard to believe that another school year is come and gone. While grades wise this year was nothing to write home about I feel like it is a year where I learned more than possibly any other year.
Knowing that family and potentially my old girl scouts read this I will try to keep this all at a g rated level.
I have put alot of work this year into bettering my french which is suprisingly difficult to do in France. While the French are all about their native language they are not at all about helping "outsiders" learn it. Most often times they will insist on using their horrid english which in reality is probably worse than my french. I am not exageratting at all. I have a prime example. There is a french man that I have been on/off dating since about January ( no do not get your hopes up Katie is not in a serious relationship at all), well call him the French Electrician (FE). So FE and I are having dinner on my balcony and he informs me that he has signed up to take english classes....IN FRANCE?!?!?! Shocked I ask him why and he responds that he wants to learn how to communicate better with me. Now normal women would be flattered by this, however as many of you know normal is never a word used to describe me. I ask him why he just doesnt keep helping me to work on my french. FE just sits there and shakes his head. He carefully looks up at me and says no because your french is too terrible. A french man is paying to learn english because he would rather do that than help me improve my french. Thank you mom for raising me in the south and thus making it impossible for me to pronounce anything like a civilized human. :(
So to battle this I am still planning on staying for another year. I am jsut waiting for the paperwork to go through on the Texas Tech side so that I can get everything ready for my new visa. I will show him terrible french. Somehow I will continue to improve and show them all wrong...at least I hope too.
And on top of that for the love of god I need to actually write a thesis. I mean all of you that know me know that as soon as i get really going on it I will be done in no time at all and it will be great but you also know how much of a procrastinator I am. Oh what a tangled web we weave.
Have any of you read the book The Year of Yes ? I feel like the whole of the worlds female population needs to be required to read this book. It really changed my perspectives on many things about life and dating...for starters it helped to convince me to start dating again. Which is no small feat. So last October I started my own year of yes. It has been an interesting ride that has met with 2 quazi relationships and at least 10 interesting first dates since then. Some of them were wonderful and some of them oh heck could I write some stories that would make your head spin. And I would love to tell you some of these stories but I am pretty sure that a great many of you would stop loving me if I did. :) No I know you wouldnt and maybe in time I will.
I have been approached by a not so small publishing house to work on the possibility of a book based on some of the blogs and stories I have written over the years. This is such a sureal idea. I still remember Miss Keyes in 10th grade telling me that I could never be a writer and Dr. Zitterkopft in Kansas telling me that she was impressed I remembered Shakespeares name and should not bother trying to interprit his works. Yes work I for a while was an english major until I was basically told I was too dim and uncreative to ever succeed at that. That is pretty much how the world of history got stuck with me, I was told and eventually believed that i was not good enough for writing. Ok so this opportunity would basically mean that I would not end up in the world of history at least not for now. I mean god knows i am aware of the fact that I will never end up on the NYT bestsellers list, heck an editor would prolly need 45 years just to fix my terrible spelling. But it really is weird to all of a sudden have this option thrust before me that I never thought possible. Is there a chance that I am not meant to be Katie Nolde PhD am I meant to be Katie Nolde, akward and potentially successful writer of sorts? How weird is that?
So if people read this please give me a bit of feedback...im curious to know what youd think about it all. Would you be running to the bookstore to shell out 14.95 on my ramblings and would you do so knowing that there are probably mentionings of you in there that may or may not be entirely positive or negative? Yeah its a tough call isnt it?
All right I think that is enough for now.
Be well,
Katie
Knowing that family and potentially my old girl scouts read this I will try to keep this all at a g rated level.
I have put alot of work this year into bettering my french which is suprisingly difficult to do in France. While the French are all about their native language they are not at all about helping "outsiders" learn it. Most often times they will insist on using their horrid english which in reality is probably worse than my french. I am not exageratting at all. I have a prime example. There is a french man that I have been on/off dating since about January ( no do not get your hopes up Katie is not in a serious relationship at all), well call him the French Electrician (FE). So FE and I are having dinner on my balcony and he informs me that he has signed up to take english classes....IN FRANCE?!?!?! Shocked I ask him why and he responds that he wants to learn how to communicate better with me. Now normal women would be flattered by this, however as many of you know normal is never a word used to describe me. I ask him why he just doesnt keep helping me to work on my french. FE just sits there and shakes his head. He carefully looks up at me and says no because your french is too terrible. A french man is paying to learn english because he would rather do that than help me improve my french. Thank you mom for raising me in the south and thus making it impossible for me to pronounce anything like a civilized human. :(
So to battle this I am still planning on staying for another year. I am jsut waiting for the paperwork to go through on the Texas Tech side so that I can get everything ready for my new visa. I will show him terrible french. Somehow I will continue to improve and show them all wrong...at least I hope too.
And on top of that for the love of god I need to actually write a thesis. I mean all of you that know me know that as soon as i get really going on it I will be done in no time at all and it will be great but you also know how much of a procrastinator I am. Oh what a tangled web we weave.
Have any of you read the book The Year of Yes ? I feel like the whole of the worlds female population needs to be required to read this book. It really changed my perspectives on many things about life and dating...for starters it helped to convince me to start dating again. Which is no small feat. So last October I started my own year of yes. It has been an interesting ride that has met with 2 quazi relationships and at least 10 interesting first dates since then. Some of them were wonderful and some of them oh heck could I write some stories that would make your head spin. And I would love to tell you some of these stories but I am pretty sure that a great many of you would stop loving me if I did. :) No I know you wouldnt and maybe in time I will.
I have been approached by a not so small publishing house to work on the possibility of a book based on some of the blogs and stories I have written over the years. This is such a sureal idea. I still remember Miss Keyes in 10th grade telling me that I could never be a writer and Dr. Zitterkopft in Kansas telling me that she was impressed I remembered Shakespeares name and should not bother trying to interprit his works. Yes work I for a while was an english major until I was basically told I was too dim and uncreative to ever succeed at that. That is pretty much how the world of history got stuck with me, I was told and eventually believed that i was not good enough for writing. Ok so this opportunity would basically mean that I would not end up in the world of history at least not for now. I mean god knows i am aware of the fact that I will never end up on the NYT bestsellers list, heck an editor would prolly need 45 years just to fix my terrible spelling. But it really is weird to all of a sudden have this option thrust before me that I never thought possible. Is there a chance that I am not meant to be Katie Nolde PhD am I meant to be Katie Nolde, akward and potentially successful writer of sorts? How weird is that?
So if people read this please give me a bit of feedback...im curious to know what youd think about it all. Would you be running to the bookstore to shell out 14.95 on my ramblings and would you do so knowing that there are probably mentionings of you in there that may or may not be entirely positive or negative? Yeah its a tough call isnt it?
All right I think that is enough for now.
Be well,
Katie
17 February 2008
It is amazing how you wake up one day and realize how much time has passed. I have been here in France for almost 14 months now and it still seems like I just got off the plane a few hours ago. I find myself at least once a day thinking either to myself or outloud jeeze I really live here.
You know I came here to learn alot of things and was in search of even more. I have learned and found so much and yet at the same time find myself noticing that they are not the things that I "planned". I think it can be summed up in really one thing...but do not fret in true Katie fashion I will elaborated. In the time since I have been here I have learned how to breathe.
Original boy told me that would happen before I ever decided to come for sure but in the end he was right. It is not always easy heck most of the time it is very hard. And with every exhale there is some terrible mistake or dizaster. The beautiful thing though is that every inhale is so fresh and clean and pure that you just push through the glory to the next breathe. I was never sure that this was even something that I was missing in my life but now that I have this knowledge I feel as though I only just began living.
Through all this living and breathing I have learned another very important lesson. The unbelievable value of the people in my life. Whether they be past or present or in Europe or the United States. I used to say that my goal was to really touch someones life and change it for the positive in some way. But I never took the time to stop and think about all the people who have taken the time to touch my life.
One of the hard things about growing up is that you lose touch with some people before you ever realize how important they really are to you. I had some people back in the States that were so amazing I could almost cry thinking that it has been this long since I have seen and in many case spoken to them. They are buying houses, having babies, and i suspect a few are even getting married soon. They are graduating from University and starting new chapters in their lives. While I am sad that I have lost touch with some of them I still find myself so lucky to have ever found them. These people gave me strength when I thought I had none and let me go when they were not ready. In the end I know that they will be the standard by which I will "judge" people in the future.
Then there are the literaly hundreds of people that I have met since I got here. Some of them are amogst the most amazing and some of them have not neccessarily been my favourite people in the world. But in this land so far from where I grew up they have become my family of sorts. And while I make mistakes that make me unworthy of them at times and they do the same they really are amazing additions to my life. It is so hard to believe that this is the third generation of people that I have met here in France. But they also remind me that sometimes it does not take an ocean to grow apart from someone sometimes all it takes is a foolish mouth and a wall. Yet rather than regret the way life evolves I can sit back and look at the amazing things I have gotten to do and learn with them. I mean seriously in the last year i have been well too many places to list.
Wow I guess this is a pretty lofty entry but well sometimes I can be pretty lofty. It all really is so great. Mainly because these are all things I never knew I was missing in my life. And sometimes you have to sit back and go with the change because the next inhale will be even more fresh and amazing than the last.
On another note. I have tried to contact the people close in my life both here and in the states. It seems though that everyone is quite busy so I guess this will be a good way to do it...if anyone even reads this anymore. So I have some kinda big news...no I am not pregnant or getting married :) but I have decided to remain in France for another year. and both of my universities have approved. So short of having the new visa in hand it is pretty official. I have no idea how most people will react but I know that my life here in France is not over yet. And I have to wait because when it is time for me to go back I will know.
be well
You know I came here to learn alot of things and was in search of even more. I have learned and found so much and yet at the same time find myself noticing that they are not the things that I "planned". I think it can be summed up in really one thing...but do not fret in true Katie fashion I will elaborated. In the time since I have been here I have learned how to breathe.
Original boy told me that would happen before I ever decided to come for sure but in the end he was right. It is not always easy heck most of the time it is very hard. And with every exhale there is some terrible mistake or dizaster. The beautiful thing though is that every inhale is so fresh and clean and pure that you just push through the glory to the next breathe. I was never sure that this was even something that I was missing in my life but now that I have this knowledge I feel as though I only just began living.
Through all this living and breathing I have learned another very important lesson. The unbelievable value of the people in my life. Whether they be past or present or in Europe or the United States. I used to say that my goal was to really touch someones life and change it for the positive in some way. But I never took the time to stop and think about all the people who have taken the time to touch my life.
One of the hard things about growing up is that you lose touch with some people before you ever realize how important they really are to you. I had some people back in the States that were so amazing I could almost cry thinking that it has been this long since I have seen and in many case spoken to them. They are buying houses, having babies, and i suspect a few are even getting married soon. They are graduating from University and starting new chapters in their lives. While I am sad that I have lost touch with some of them I still find myself so lucky to have ever found them. These people gave me strength when I thought I had none and let me go when they were not ready. In the end I know that they will be the standard by which I will "judge" people in the future.
Then there are the literaly hundreds of people that I have met since I got here. Some of them are amogst the most amazing and some of them have not neccessarily been my favourite people in the world. But in this land so far from where I grew up they have become my family of sorts. And while I make mistakes that make me unworthy of them at times and they do the same they really are amazing additions to my life. It is so hard to believe that this is the third generation of people that I have met here in France. But they also remind me that sometimes it does not take an ocean to grow apart from someone sometimes all it takes is a foolish mouth and a wall. Yet rather than regret the way life evolves I can sit back and look at the amazing things I have gotten to do and learn with them. I mean seriously in the last year i have been well too many places to list.
Wow I guess this is a pretty lofty entry but well sometimes I can be pretty lofty. It all really is so great. Mainly because these are all things I never knew I was missing in my life. And sometimes you have to sit back and go with the change because the next inhale will be even more fresh and amazing than the last.
On another note. I have tried to contact the people close in my life both here and in the states. It seems though that everyone is quite busy so I guess this will be a good way to do it...if anyone even reads this anymore. So I have some kinda big news...no I am not pregnant or getting married :) but I have decided to remain in France for another year. and both of my universities have approved. So short of having the new visa in hand it is pretty official. I have no idea how most people will react but I know that my life here in France is not over yet. And I have to wait because when it is time for me to go back I will know.
be well
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