yeah yeah we all ask ourselves that same question at least 20 times a day...no? It is something i am really having to learn to just get over as it seems my lot to rarely get anything remotely resembling something I "want". On the flip side I have a lot of things in my life that I never really new I wanted to start with.
OK enough of that.
I know I promised that I would start writing more often. Well I always promise that don't I? I also always have thousands of excuses why I do not write.
The main reason is I am tired of being so unhappy and do not really want you to know about it. The Boy says I should write. He says that he would not hold my words against me because well come on lets face it 90% of my unhappiness is sorta wrapped up in him right now.
Here I am almost 31 weeks pregnant and I have no idea what even tomorrow will bring. And where is the man that I love you ask? He is off in Israel with his family and I am here. I am here worrying about everything but not really able to do anything about it all. Thats one thing i really hate is to be so damned helpless.
There are so many things that need to be accomplished in the next 9 weeks that I can cry just thinking about it. But perhaps the most daunting is the whole issue of my immigration status. Fact is my visa expires the 28th of September. The Boy and I planned to get PACSed so that I would have the right to stay but even that seems against us as there are no appointments available until November. To answer the question in your head no I have no idea what I am going to do. And there really isn't much I can do until he returns from vacation (must be nice). So those of you that are prayers or have maybe Sarkozy on your speed dial can you please say an extra word because I may not know much right now but I do know that I want to stay here.
Other than that the Boy needs to find a job, we need to find a new apartment that we actually fit into, we need to find doctors for me and also for the french fry once he arrives. As well as all the Doctors appts at the hospital getting ready. At this point I just feel like it is impossible.
I joined this great online group called MESSAGE Paris where lots of anglophone moms get together and whatnot. I have had three "mommy dates" in the past week and it has been really nice to meet new people. I hope to get to know them better. It is hard though to have to correct people on the fact that I am not married and then to find a way to answer the obvious questions of why I am so aloneish here. It chokes me up every time I have to find a way not to say the only person in Paris who comes even close to acknowledging me or this baby cannot stand up to his parents. I even had one mom ask me if i felt a little stupid staying. Truth is sometimes I do. Sometimes I feel like I am setting myself up for the worst. Other times I feel like I just have to be patient and know that things will work out. How does one decide to stay or go?
On the conversion front things are really crummy. Turns out the few people I have spoken to and have tried to get info from I have learned that pretty much all of the conversion programs in Paris start the 1st October....and you cannot start later. GREAT guess who is due to make his grand entrance the 17th of October thus disqualifying me from starting this year. Yet another pile of pooh on my life because neither the Boy nor his Family will take me seriously as wanting to convert unless I begin taking classes and making progress towards conversion. Talk about a Catch 22 in my life. I even had a Rabbi (who was quite kind) tell me that the Boy's family should help me begin to learn and integrate Judaism into my life in the interim. Kinda hard seeing as his family wont allow me into their house let alone speak to me.
So yeah those are the reasons off the top of my head that I dont write very often.
Maybe I will write again soon maybe I wont.
Till then
Be Well
